I was reading on the site www.violenceunsilenced.com this morning while my coffee brews...not sure why, I typically don't go to sites like that in the morning before work. But, today I did and it made me think.
First of all, where would I be if I never married him. I would be in less pain than I am in now for sure. Physically, my body would be whole, like a 30 year olds should be. I wouldn't have doctors who believed that I was a liar because I am way too young to hurt this much. Emotionally, all of this would be unnecessary. I would just be any other 30 year old who lived an ordinary life.
But, I also wouldn't have my kids. I wouldn't have the three little beings that I love so very much. I wouldn't be as resourceful as I am. I mean, making meals from only what they had in shelter taught me A LOT! I also wouldn't be as grateful as I am. I appreciate things I never would have before. And, honestly, my faith would never have become as real as it is. The faith of my childhood was tested and tried...brought under fire...and it bent but did not break. I discovered that the God of my childhood loves me for who I am and I learned to trust him fully and completely because of this.
The other thing that struck me is that forgiveness is the only way to make sure my children don't grow up hating him. And, I did, I have. Mostly. I still get angry...especially when I think about Olivia. About the secrets and lies I had to tell for so long. About the friends I lost. About the time I spent alone, afraid to talk to anyone. But, I don't think I let it show to my kids. And I will work on it.
I guess that is where I will start by feeling that anger and letting it go. Look for a cooking post perhaps tomorrow and I am going to pick up clay Friday so look for that adventure this weekend. Family cooking night will be Friday and then another cooking on Saturday.
Em :)
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